Who We Are...
OUR MISSION STATEMENT
HERE AT THE ATTIAS SHOPPING CENTER
WE HAVE ONE PHILOSOPHY
AND THAT’S TO PROVIDE ALL
OUR SHOPPERS THE BEST MALL-EXPERIENCE
WHERE YOU CAN EXCHANGE CURRENCY UNITS FOR
GOODS OR SERVICES
OR JUST TO GIVE US MONEY BUY THROWING COINS IN
THOSE SWIRLY GRAVITY DROP THINGS.
YOU THINK THAT SHIT GOES TO CHARITY?
JUST WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T THROW
COINS IN THE KOI POND
WE DON’T WANT THOSE FUCKERS TO ADD
TO THEIR POWER LEVEL.
YES, WHETHER YOU ARE BLACK, WHITE,
OR NEON GREEN FROM SPENDING TOO MUCH
TIME IN THE CRATER BEHIND THE ARCADE.
WE WANT YOU TO FEEL WELCOME
TO ENJOY ALL THE SAME
MALL EXPERIENCES EVERYONE ELSE DOES.
SO COME ONE
COME ALL
ALL ARE WELCOME TO DODGE THE MAKEUP
SAMPLERS AT THE DEPARTMENT STORES.
ALL CAN TELL THEIR KIDS TO NOT TOUCH THE STAINED CARPETS.
ALL CAN CONGREGATE AT THE FULL FOOD COURT
AND HOVER OVER THE OLD COUPLE THAT REALLY
LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE THEIR TABLE
ANY MINUTE NOW.
WE BELIEVE IN INCLUSIVITY
AND GETTING EVERYONE IN THE COMMUNITY
TO BUY OUR CRAP EQUALLY.
WE WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.
EXCEPT THAT GRIFTER, CORNELIUS FLUMPKIN – THAT DUDE CAN GET 100% FUCKED
The Attias Story...
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MY HERO
HI MY NAME IS BILLIAM THISTLEBOTTOM
AND HERE IS MY ENTRY FOR
THE ATTIAS ANNUAL THIRD GRADE
WRITING CHALLENGE
TO WIN TWO FREE TICKETS TO THE LASER TAG.
MY HERO IS HOWARD HORATIO BELLWEATHER ALGERNON EVERS THE THIRD
HE IS MY HERO BECAUSE HE FOUNDED THE TOWN OF SUN VET
AND THAT IS MY FAVORITE TOWN
BECAUSE THAT IS THE TOWN THAT IS MINE
AND I LIVE IN IT.
BACK IN 1867 AT 8:13 AM
THAT GUY I JUST SAID WITH THE LONG NAME
AND MARY LOU HANSEN-EVERS MADE THE VERY FIRST SHOPPING MALL,
WHICH BACK THEN WAS A GENERAL STORE, A HAY BALE,
AND A BATH & BODY WORKS WHICH IS NOW A STANDARD IN EVERY MALL.
BACK THEN IT COST A PENNY FARTHING TO STAND BY THE HAY BALE.
THIS WAS IMPORTANT
BECAUSE I LIKE MALLS
AND MY TOWN IS THE BEST
AND SO HE IS MY HERO.
HE ALSO STOOD UP TO THE EVIL CORPORATE OVERLORDS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT THAT'S WHAT MY MOM SAYS.
BIG SHAPE TELLS US THE EARTH IS FLAT,
BUT EVERS KNEW THE TRUTH THAT THE EARTH IS A MATHEMATICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE SHAPE CALLED X=(-B+/-(B2-4AC)2)/16AC
AND ITS HOLLOW.
BUT HE MADE AN ALLIANCE WITH THE MORLOCKS THAT LIVE THERE
SO WE CAN HAVE FROZEN DINNERS - YUM.
I WOULD NOT WANT TO LIVE BACK IN THE 1800’S
BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE IN BLACK AND WHITE.
AND SO HOWARD EVERS IS THE BEST HERO
AND THAT’S WHY I SHOULD GET TWO FREE TICKETS TO THE LASER TAG.
OK BILLY SAY GOODBYE
NO DON’T WRITE THAT SWEETIE.
YOU DON’T NEED TO KEEP WRITING EVERYTHING I SAY.
JUST FINISH YOUR ESSAY AND MAIL IT IN.
STOP WRITING.
OK BYE!
Looking Ahead...
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LAST TIME ON MEDIA 20...
HEY PARENTS, ARE YOU TIRED OF DRAGGING YOUR SCREAMING KIDS AROUND THE MALL SINCE THE LAZER TAG NEVER SEEMS TO OPEN?
1,1,1,3,4,1,57,6...
THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN TODAY TO K-ATS AMERICAN RADIO NETWORK PLAYING ALL THE BEST HITS.
THIS BLACK FRIDAY, COME ON IN TO THE THIRD LARGEST
SCI-FI THEMED ELECTRONICS STORE FOR GREAT PRICES ON FUN GADGETS LIKE THIS… TIME MACHINE?
MY HERO IS HOWARD EVERS THE THIRD BACK IN 1867 AT 8:13 AM
HE AND MARY LOU HANSEN-EVERS MADE THE VERY FIRST SHOPPING MALL
RIGHT NOW WE HAVE IN STOCK THE NEW MUST HAVE TOY OF THE SEASON.
THAT’S RIGHT - THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED AND LEGALLY ADDICTIVE SLY McGUBBINS AND THE GO-GO GUB-GUBS ACTION FIGURES AND PLUSH DOLLS!
ENTER THE TRI-MONTHLY POG TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS AND WIN OUR LIMITED EDITION GOLDEN BEANIE BABY!
STEP RIGHT UP TO TRY DR. CORNELIUS FLUMPKIN, PHD’S GEN-U-INE, BONAFIDE CURE-ALL SNAKE OIL! I ACCEPT ALL CARDS AND CASH AS WELL AS GIFT CERTIFICATES TO PANERA BREAD.
ACCLAIMED SCIENCE FICTION WRITER JUSTIN EVERS HERE WITH MY LATEST NOVEL – THE PROPHESY. FOLLOW THE CLUES IN THIS BOOK AND BE THE FIRST PERSON TO FIND ALL SEVEN GEMS. BUY MY BOOK. FOLLOW THE CLUES. FIND THE GEMS.
A WARNING FROM MALL SECURITY
WARNING – THIS IS MALL SECURITY
A GROUP OF SUSPICIOUS INDIVIDUALS
HAS TAKEN OVER THE LASER TAG.
PLEASE EVACUATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY
OR – YOU KNOW -
AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE.
NORMALLY WE’D DO ANYTHING TO KEEP YOU IN THE MALL
AND KEEP YOU SHOPPING
SO, YOU KNOW THIS SHIT’S FOR REAL
NOT THAT WE’LL STOP YOU FROM
PLAYING THAT ONE LAST CRANE
GAME VENDING MACHINE ON YOUR WAY OUT.
TO EXIT SAFELY, MAKE YOUR WAY TO…..
4,8,15,16,23,42
WELCOME FRIENDS, DO NOT WORRY.
YOU’RE BEING INTERRUPTED BY THE SMOOTH SOUNDS
OF K-ATS MALL RADIO.
YEAH, YOU FORGOT THAT AD READ DIDN’T YOU.
EVERYONE FOLLOW THE HYPNOTIC TONES OF
THE LOUDSPEAKER TO THE LASER TAG THAT IS NOW OPEN.
JOIN US AND OUR CLAN OF CULTISTS
AS WE AWAIT THE ARRIVAL OF THE ELDER GOD
OF THE MALL,
N’RY’THLEAH’CHCHLOTHNARGHSHOGON
OR AS WE LIKE TO PRONOUNCE IT,
SLY McGUBBINS
THAT’S RIGHT, YOU BOUGHT THE TOYS
NOW WORSHIP AT THE FEET OF YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR,
OH, AND HERE HE IS NOW.
YES FLESH SACKS, IT IS I,
SLY McGUBBINS
AND I’M HERE TO TELL YOU A VERY FUNNY STORY
ONCE UPON A TIME A MAN AND A WOMAN
GOT LOST IN THE DESERT
ALL THEY WANTED WAS WATER...AND DEEP DISCOUNTS AT GNC
THEY SEARCHED FOR DAYS AND AT THE END OF THE JOURNEY
THEY FOUND ME.
I PROMISED TO GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY EVER WANTED
BUT ONE DAY
IF THEY SOLD ENOUGH OF MY TOYS
I WOULD RETURN
AND EVERYONE WHO BOUGHT ANYTHING FROM THEIR MALL WOULD JOIN ME
AND BE CONSUMED
BUT, YOU KNOW, IN A FUNNY WAY.
UMM, AREN’T WE TRYING TO SELL THEM ON JOINING OUR CULT?
DON’T YOU WANNA, LIKE MAKE IT APPEALLING?
YOU DON’T HAVE A CHOICE.
IT’S A CURSE – IF YOU BOUGHT ANY OF THE CRAP AT ATTIAS
YOUR SOUL IS MINE.
THAT AND THE HYPNOTIC RADIO WAVE DEVICE FROM RADIO SHACK.
FUNNY STORY ISN’T IT?
SEE YOU SOON.
GHOST HUNT EXTREME
G’DAY MATES!
TONIGHT ONLY, JOIN US AT GHOST HUNT EXTREME
AS WE EXPLORE OUR MOST HAUNTED-SOUNDING LOCATION
LIVE!
WE’VE TRAVELED THE WORLD ON THIS SHOW TO BRING YOU THE MOST
UNSATISFYING FOOTAGE OF ME YELLING OVER WIND NOISES
IN BLACK-AND-WHITE NIGHT VISION.
TONIGHT, TURN IN TO THE SCI-FI-BUT-MOSTLY-OFF-BRAND-WRESTLING-CHANNEL
LIVE AS I AM GUIDED BY LOCAL… UM.. CRANK CORNELIUS FLUMPKIN
THAT’S DR. CORNELIUS FLUMPKIN, PHD! I DIDN’T GO TO
ONLINE MEDICAL SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DR ON A THIRD RATE GHOST HUNTING SHOW
RIGHT, WELL WE ARE GONNA CHECK INTO THIS
WEIRD ASS MALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT.
THEY SAY ITS BEEN BLOCKED OFF EVER SINCE A
GROUP OF CULTISTS TOOK IT OVER
AND PEOPLE REPORT STRANGE THINGS GOING ON.
DON’T WORRY, I GOT A WAY IN!
YOU JUST HOP IN THE BACK RIGHT THROUGH
THE CRATER BEHIND THE ARCADE.
OK MATE, THAT… LOOKS SUPER RADIOACTIVE
NAH WORKS EVERYTIME. PLUS, WORST CASE SCENARIO IS YOU
BOTTLE THAT SHIT AND SELL IT AS MY PATENTED SNAKE OIL
WHICH YOUR VIEWERS CAN ORDER BY CALLING THE NUMBER BELOW
ITS NOT THAT KIND AD READ HERE
ANYWAY, JOIN ME AND FLUMPY MAN TONIGHT
WHERE WE’LL TRAVERSE THE TUNNELS UNDER THE LASER TAG
AVOID THE DEMON SNARE IN THE MALL
AND FIND THE LOST GEM TO COMPLETE THE PROPHECY OF JUSTIN EVERS.
OH, AND I GUESS SOME GHOST STUFF WILL HAPPEN
ALL ON GHOST HUNT EXTREME
BE THERE!
TONIGHT'S TOP STORY
TUNE IN TONIGHT TO THE SUN VET EVENING NEWS
WITH KLERB MacKRAKEN
TONIGHT’S TOP STORY
WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT WHOLE CULT TRANCE WE WERE ALL UNDER OK?
ALSO, BATTLE BREAKS OUT AT THE ATTIAS SHOPPING CENTER
I GOTTA TELL YA IT WAS REALLY INCREDIBLE
LOCAL TOWN CON MAN DEFEATS ANCIENT MALL
DEMON SLY McGUBBINS
MAN IF WE COULD ACTUALLY SHOW YOU ANY OF THIS
MY PRODUCER TELLS ME YOUR MIND WOULD BE BLOWN
I MEAN, I DIDN’T KNOW THE MONSTERS AT THE PET SHOP WERE THAT VIOLENT
AND ALL OF THOSE DECAPITATIONS!
ALSO AT 11, TIME TRAVELING SWEATY OWNER OF LOCAL RADIO SHACK
WINS POG TOURNAMENT EARNING BEANIE BABY THAT IS KEY TO DISABLING HYPNOTIC RADIO STATION.
OH, BREAKING NEWS, WE ARE NOW CUTTING TO A LIVE FEED OF SUN VET TOWN HALL
WHERE THE TOWN CLERK HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT
GOOD FOLKS OF SUN VET, THIS IS BLAYNE GRIMMER
B-L-A-Y-N-E G-R-I-M-M-E-R
BLAYNE GRIMMER
NOW I MAY JUST BE A SMALL TOWN BOY FROM THE BAYOU
BUT I KNOW TO GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.
DR. CORNELIUS FLUMPKIN, YOUR FINDING OF THAT HIDDEN
GEM UNDER THE LASER TAG DEFEATED OUR ENEMIES
AND SAVED THE TOWN… FOR SOME REASON
TO REWARD YOU HERE’S A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO THE PANERA BREAD.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAVE TO OUR GRATEFUL TOWN.
OH GEE, ONLY THAT I THINK WE ALL LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY
I GUESS THE DEALS WERE INSIDE OURSELVES ALL ALONG.
The New Man in Charge
Hi everyone, thanks for being here and a big corporate congrats on making it through the onboarding process here at the Attias shopping center. We here in HR know that you all will be just the best choices for the roll of… (looks at card)…. Oh, well, good luck with that.
Now at Attias, we treat all our employees like family-meaning we only pay you on birthdays and non-denominational holidays. With that in mind, we know you have some questions with the Attias mall being recently bought out by mega-corproation, Everycorp. To ease your minds, lets take a look at the life and times of our new CEO… now let me just pop in this VHS… Apologies in advance for the unskippable ads...
Our CEO, [NAME REDACTED] was a child of the suburbs but he wasn’t any different from you or me. Like all kids of the 90’s, he grew up playing on the gazebo farms, making 180 mile paint sculptures, and flipping POGs behind the school for Doritos money. Growing up in the small, misspelled town of Seaville, he was on track to live and die there like every other resident. No one left the town, it was the one unspoken rule. His friends Jon and Shane would often tease him for his lack of imagination and slow wit. But as was the philosophy of the town, he just took it and buried it down deep.
-AD BREAK-
In today’s world, we know you have things to do. Maybe you spent the 90’s dancing the night away, but now you don’t have time to let mild-to-severe arthritis stop you. That’s why we at Everycorp have you covered. Say no to specifically mild-to-severe arthritis with demaxidrill. Side effects of demaxidrill include… um, you know what? Don’t worry about it. Everycorp – Bring Out The Best.
His letters from the era reveal why this changed: “Dearest sister, it has been so long since I have been home to see my family. I’m glad to hear you have not be stricken by the 1518 dancing plague. Gathering ice cores and soil deposits at the glacial Pine Barrens consumes my studies and time. So, it came as a shock to me when Father called for me back home at the train yard.
He had me assist in clearing plague-ridden souls from the tracks to get the train back on track. Son, the bits of dancers go for miles, he would say. I asked him once how far a mile was. With an outstretched arm, he said as far as your eyes can see… So, like to the 7-11?”
That was the moment [REDACTED] realized he had to leave the glacial wastes of his town. He couldn’t keep repeating the same patterns of his dad at the train yard. He didn’t want to clean up the world, he wanted to improve it.
He went off to art school to become an ambersmith while Jon and Shane stayed home and got jobs at the marina like everyone else. In all his time, he worked through the school, perfecting his craft. For four years he had no worries about dancing plagues or trains or lack of school debt. And after years of dedication… he had nothing to show for it. He just didn’t have the creative mind to compete with his colleagues.
[REDACTED] went home to the marina where Jon spent his nights on salvia and Shane was nowhere to be found. After a night of calming Jon down from his latest trip, he rode home on his bicycle only to find Shane’s car by the train tracks. He knew what that meant, he rode back to the Marina with a fury, sweat pouring from his back as he pedaled, with heat-lightning dashing out over the water in the sky.
When he got back he was just in time to see Shane dancing out of the bushes brandishing a knife. He managed to scare the plague-infested former friend away from the passed out Jon and could see what the town was doing in those glossed-over eyes – the worst kind of eyes! He never felt so helpless in the face of this plague and despair when he got a page on his beeper that would change everything…
Hey kids! It’s me, Ding Ding the clown! Come on down to Uncle Frankie’s at the Attias Shopping Center today for all the hottest toys! Now in time for National Secretary’s Day we have the hot new dancing robot toy! Lookit it go! Woo! Man, its so impressive good thing this is totally a video and not just a text scroll! Brought to you with patented Everycorp robotics technology! Everycorp – Bring On The Bots!
-AD BREAK-
“Dearest sister, a great fortune fell upon me today. One of my professors reached out to me, he said while I sucked as an ambersmith – like really sucked, there are new openings in the field of cryo-robotics. I don’t know what that is, but I need to take that chance.”
He traveled across the country to the slime-mines of Orlando to learn what would take him into a brand new world and success. Often he would reflect on his old town and how, well, fucked up it was in retrospect. And often he would dwell on the failures of his initial dream. But by hook or by crook, he got out of there and made a new life in a new field, despite not knowing what he was doing, not being the brightest bulb, and despite not having a sister.
Now, here’s where the story gets really crazy
[INFORMATION REDACTED]
And that’s how he built his empire here at Everycorp.”
Wasn’t that a great video, everyone? Now even though [REDACTED] is a brain in a jar buried somewhere under this mall, he would have you know that the future is what you make of it. Just stay out of the cryo-robotics lab under the laser tag.