IF YOU’VE SEEN THE STATE OF THE WORLD LATELY

THEN YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT

ITS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET.

AND THAT’S AN ISSUE BECAUSE NO ONE’S

OUT THERE PROTECTING OUR BELOVED

HANDBASKET RETAILERS.

THAT’S WHY THE ATTIAS SHOPPING CENTER

NEEDS YOU!

JOIN OUR ELITE LEGION OF MALL SECURITY

TO DEFEND OUR BELOVED

MERCHANDISE PAVILLIONS AND INDEED

OUR VERY WAY OF LIFE.

OUR SECURITY AGENTS AND COVERT

SQUADRON OF SECRET SHOPPERS ARE THE ONLY ONES

STANDING ON THE FRONT LINE BETWEEN US AND OBLIVION,

WHICH IS LOCATED IN THE CRATER

RIGHT BEHIND THE ARCADE.

FRIENDS, THIS IS THE SEASON FOR THEFT

AND MUGGINGS THAT SUSPICIOUSLY OCCUR

OUTSIDE THE UNCLE FRANKIE’S 3 TIMES A DAY

AND THE NIGHTLY MORLOCK UPRISINGS

AND THAT CON ARTIST, CORNELIUS FLUMPKIN

WHO KEEPS GRIFTING PEOPLE FOR

PANERA BREAD GIFT CARDS

AND WHATEVER’S HAPPENING

IN THE BASEMENT ACROSS THE STREET.

DEFEND THE MALL!

JOIN TODAY!

 

AND IF YOU CAN’T JOIN FOR MEDICAL REASONS,

LIKE YOUR TWO GLASS EYES,

THEN BUY MALL BONDS!